Like many posters here, I found this website when I googled "I hate sports!"
In grade through high school, I was, like most North American school children, subjected to the unholy trinity of sports: Baseball, Basketball and Football. It's not that I sucked as a player, I was OK - and I was never bullied. It's just that I could never SEE THE POINT of playing sports. Sports are just so - insipid! Putting a ball into a net or a hoop? WHY??? WHY??? WHY????
My high school had a World Class Sporting Program, which meant Friday night football games (an excuse to get drunk), and basketball assemblies (time to read Italian Vogue cover to cover). I was fortunate to spend my junior year as an exchange student to Germany. I could go on for pages about the beer, but I'll limit my comments to this: it opened my eyes to a much bigger world, and made my suburban American high school experience seem.... so... small. Especially the jock-ocracy (as one person here on this board so eloquently put it). It was a bad joke.
As an adult, I recognize that sports, in the most Machivellian way, are truly necessary to keep the unwashed masses from rioting and pillaging their neighbors villages on a regular basis. Instead, sports give them a few choice Sundays to do so. Though I absolutely loathe sports, I'd LOVE to own a NFL franchise. I'd change their name to the Fluffy Pink Kitties. Just imagine the marketing possibilities!
Like many women, I also understand that sports, or sports chat, is an easy way to 'get to know' a guy if you are interested in him. Also, I suspect many women use sports time as an opportunity to steal their husbands wallets while they're mesmerized by a little round object, and go charge obscene amounts of money on ebay. So I guess it's a win/win. Pardon the sporting terminology.
I DO advocate physical fitness. I swim and run regularly, but mostly to keep my BMI below 23 so that I can drink copious amounts of red wine and indulge in raw steaks. And fit into my bustle gowns.
So here's reason why I HATE sports so very, very much right now.
My dear husband, who is perfect in every other way, insists that our children play sports. He was in Little League. They have to be in little league. He played soccer, so they have to play soccer. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! So I'm stuck schlepping kids and gear to baseball games and soccer practices. And here's the absolute worst part: HE SIGNED ME UP TO COACH SOCCER!
WTFFFFFFF???? I loathe soccer. I know nothing about the sport, and I would like to maintain my ignorance!
Ok, I guess I know the game is played with a truncated icosahedron and two nets, but more importantly: WHO CARES how it's played? It's so flipping STOOOOOOPID! I can't back down now because I'm a confirmed volunteer and it will look bad if I do. I'm also the type of person who follows through when committed. I'm stuck! I am a soccer coach. GAH! This is going to be the worst 10 weeks ever.
I knew it would be horribly, horribly wrong when I went to the coach's orientation meeting, wearing platform clogs and a dress. Everyone was dressed in soccer shirts, shorts and cleats. I had to laugh! The only thing I learned at coach's orientation was: beware of soccer parents. They are all monsters. Here is a smidgen of the conversation I had with Head Coach Biff:
Me: I'm not really confident that I'll be a good soccer coach. You see, I just don't understand the game.
Coach Biff: Don't worry, you'll learn the rules of scrimmage soon enough.
Me: I understand the rules of scrimmage, Coach Biff, it's just that I don't understand WHY anyone would get their jollies from kicking a ball repeatedly at a net.
Coach Biff: (looking perplexed) Well, you'll see - Soccer is AMAZING!
Me: The Large Hadron Collider is AMAZING. Kicking a ball at a net? Not so much.
Coach Biff: (looks even more confused and walks away)
As bad as soccer parents are, baseball parents are worse. I've never seen such ghetto behavior as displayed at a Little League Game. At our (mercifully) last game, I sat in the opposing team's bleachers, mainly because it was shady and I could see the screen of my computer better. There were tears running down my face, from laughing so hard at the baseball parents when their sons scored. You would think they were cheering because their FICO scores went up to 550. Right before the game ended, I announced to the assembled crowd: "If you parents spent as much time and effort coaching your kids to read and do math, the dropout rate of your schools wouldn't be 70%!" In retrospect, I suppose I was lucky nobody threw a beer can at my head.
But back to soccer. Soccer, Oh soccer, how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways..... I vow to be the worst soccer coach EVER. By that I mean, I will love the kids unconditionally, praise them if and when they suck, and above all, make sure they are having as much fun as possible, damn the game, damn the score, damn the asshat parents on the sidelines, too lazy to volunteer themselves.
Only ten more weeks to go.....
p.s. Thank you for allowing me to rant. I feel much better now. Happy Friday!