A Lutheran minister's view of bullying (another bullicide)

[Earl]

Last week in Harris County, Texas, Asher Brown, an eighth-grader at Hamilton Middle School in the Cypress-Fairbanks Independent School District, shot himself in the head at his family's home with his stepfather's gun. His parents claim that he suffered two years of intense bullying from other students at school.

As quoted below in reaction to this terrible tragedy, Charles St.-Onge -- associate pastor at Memorial Lutheran Church in Houston, Texas -- wrote a column for the Belief supplement of the Houston Chronicle (dated October 1, 2010).

BULLYING brings grief on all involved



AFTER reading the story of 13-year-old Asher Brown, I felt compelled to write something. As a Christian I know there is no act that grieves our Lord's heart more than the act of bullying. It is an act that shows the human propensity to gratify ourselves at the expense of others; to hate justice except when it favors us; to show kindness only when it serves our own purposes (Micah 6:8).

More important, I felt compelled to write because I once was Asher Brown. I had an awkward childhood, made more difficult by our family's frequent moves on account of my father's work. I was terrible at sports; I was active in my church; I got straight A's, and I had a hard time fitting in socially. At Asher's age, I was declared gifted and removed once a week from my regular school to attend special classes elsewhere. In other words, I was the perfect target for bullies. The only names I was called that I have never forgotten were "gay" and "homo." I had no "girlfriend" -- what else could I be?

I grieve for Asher's parents, who are suffering a grief that is the nightmare of any parent. I grieve for the teachers and administrators who, despite the official line being taken, knew what was going on and couldn't -- or chose not -- to stop it.

I also grieve for those bullies who went along with the crowd, knowing deep down inside themselves that they should be stopping this, or at least not participating in it. I grieve for them if they do not know where to turn in repentance, where to turn to find someone who can help them shoulder a burden they will carry for the rest of their lives (1 Timothy 1:13-16).

I grieve most for anyone who bullied Asher and carried the name of Christian.

Tony Campolo, the sociologist and sometimes Baptist preacher, often recounts the story of a high school classmate named Roger:

"We ridiculed him ... We made his life hell ... When he would go into the shower after gym, we would wait until he came out, and then we would whip our towels at him and sting him. I wasn't there the day they pushed him into the corner of the shower and five guys urinated all over him. That night he went to the attic in the middle of the night and hanged himself. And I knew I wasn't a Christian, because if I had been a Christian I would have stood up for Roger. Even if they ridiculed me for doing it, I would have been his friend."

The apostle James wrote that "the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members ... setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell." May the tongues of fire that settled so cruelly on Asher be quenched by the one Spirit that can tame them.

May today be the day someone like Asher finds a friend.

[i_like_1981]

This is appalling. Do you know what, I think that if a student has played a part in the bullying of another student which has driven them to their suicide, they should have to carry that guilt for as long as they live. What they're doing is murder, isn't it? Just because they're not going up to their victim and stabbing or shooting them, does not mean what they're doing will have any different an effect in the end. Intense bullying, inflicted on people who have very little support and protection from their fellow students, will drive people to their deaths. Why should people have to take this crap just because they are considered "uncool"? Having read the bit about the student who was urinated on and went on to kill himself... I am appalled, and depressed at the same time. Is this what youth really are? Bullies who will give absolutely terrible treatment to anybody who is "different" or "weird"? These people's definitions of "weird" are those who actually do the fucking work in class and who see absolutely no use whatsoever in these competitive bullshit ball games. Well, FUCK THEM ALL! Reading this has annoyed and upset me. People are dying, because none of the other selfish fuckers in their schools are recognising the torment they're going through and helping those who are being subjected to hell. Do they not realise that they could end up saving a life? No, they don't, do they. Because all they want to do is preach to the popular classes and not draw any heat on themselves. Shame on those who would stand by and let a fellow student be driven to his death. I have no sympathy for bullies whose actions end up killing their victims. I don't care what they do to try and redeem themselves. They have taken someone's life, and for what? Absolutely nothing other than their own spite. Shame on them.

Best regards,
i_like_1981

[Fat Man]

I think all those bullies should be put on trial, and charged with murder in the first degree.

And then, if found guilty, the should be on death row and after they turn 18, which makes you legally an adult, they should get the death penalty.

Maybe if some bullies went to the chair after their bullying had driven someone to suicide, they might think twice before bullying someone around.

[Safety]

I think that schools should monitor and pay more close attention to the bullying that goes on throughout their school, but I don't have any respect for anyone that would kill themselves. Although, I do feel sorry for the family, friends, and other relatives that have to grieve when someone commits suicide, I believe life is too precious to simply throw away. It would be a direct insult to God.

[HugeFanOfBadReligion]

I think that schools should monitor and pay more close attention to the bullying that goes on throughout their school, but I don't have any respect for anyone that would kill themselves. Although, I do feel sorry for the family, friends, and other relatives that have to grieve when someone commits suicide, I believe life is too precious to simply throw away. It would be a direct insult to God.

Well, once a person has been tormented so much into believing that they are worthless and the world would be better off without them, they don't really think they are doing the wrong thing. I think suicide is a selfish thing to do, but in many cases, it's hard to blame the person that committed suicide.

[Fat Man]

I think that schools should monitor and pay more close attention to the bullying that goes on throughout their school, but I don't have any respect for anyone that would kill themselves. Although, I do feel sorry for the family, friends, and other relatives that have to grieve when someone commits suicide, I believe life is too precious to simply throw away. It would be a direct insult to God.

You've never been pushed to the edge where life becomes not worth living anymore.

A person can only take so much abuse or so much pain, and then, things get so bad that it's actually insane to keep on living.

Would you want to spend the rest of your life, for example: hanging by your thumbs or up-side-down with meat-hooks through your ankles?

Now, I hate sports, but I love reading books, and listening to classical music and rock.

If somebody were to lock me up in an 8x10 cell with only a 25 watt bulb, no books, no music, nobody to talk to, no nothing else for the rest of my life but a little bit of stale food and water, and I was going to be in that cell for the rest of my life, I would not want to live anymore. Every night I would pray that I quietly die in my sleep.

It would be insane to go on living under those conditions.

There are somethings worse than death.

If somebody were to put a gun to my head and say, "now you're going to sit down and shut up and watch this football game or else!" I would say . . . . .

PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER!!!

[Safety]

I think most people can stand 4-6 years of High School

[HugeFanOfBadReligion]

I think most people can stand 4-6 years of High School

Well, when a part of your life is made to be a living hell, time definitely moves slow. When I was in grade seven, I faced the worst bullying I had experienced in my life, the only people I knew in the school were my bullies, which definitely was difficult, and it certainly didn't feel like just one year, I thought it would never end.

[Earl]

This is a good discussion. It has been emotional, but there's been no name-calling. I appreciate the intelligent responses everyone has made.

I think that schools should monitor and pay more close attention to the bullying that goes on throughout their school, but I don't have any respect for anyone that would kill themselves. Although, I do feel sorry for the family, friends, and other relatives that have to grieve when someone commits suicide, I believe life is too precious to simply throw away. It would be a direct insult to God.

The suicide of a young child is even more tragic than the suicide of an adult. Children often don't realize the consequences of their actions. I agree with you, Safety, that life is a precious gift from God. And the impact upon the surviving loved ones is devastating.

Just a word on the teenage years: Some teenagers are worse off than others. Some don't even know and understand themselves as individuals and have no idea what they need to do to improve their situation. Some kids need help badly.

I think all those bullies should be put on trial, and charged with murder in the first degree.

And then, if found guilty, the should be on death row and after they turn 18, which makes you legally an adult, they should get the death penalty.

Maybe if some bullies went to the chair after their bullying had driven someone to suicide, they might think twice before bullying someone around.

I understand your anger, Fat Man. Yes, bullying is evil; and there are some bullies who actually chortle over the suicides of their victims. My father-in-law once taught in a public high school as a math teacher. When he suffered a heart attack, some of the students in one of his classes were laughing because they thought they might have contributed to his heart attack. As my wife found out later, the substitute who was covering for my father-in-law overheard their chortling and bawled them out, saying, "You're worse than the scum of the earth."

But as I said above, children often don't realize the consequences of their actions. There are bullies whose intention is not to drive their victims to commit suicide. I recently read a post by a DU member who said that he had a friend who had bullied another boy when he was in high school. His victim ended up committing suicide. Every day he thinks about that kid taking his own life because he bullied him. He will be haunted by that memory for the rest of his life. Obviously, if he had known that his victim was prone, he would not have bullied him.

I think most people can stand 4-6 years of High School

Well, when a part of your life is made to be a living hell, time definitely moves slow. When I was in grade seven, I faced the worst bullying I had experienced in my life, the only people I knew in the school were my bullies, which definitely was difficult, and it certainly didn't feel like just one year, I thought it would never end.

HugeFan, I know exactly what you mean. My freshman year in high school was particularly bad (slightly worse than the other three), although I wasn't bullied as badly as other members of this forum. It just seemed to drag on and on and on. Time passed very slowly for me. In contrast, time passes quickly when you're having a good time.

Having read the bit about the student who was urinated on and went on to kill himself... I am appalled, and depressed at the same time. Is this what youth really are? Bullies who will give absolutely terrible treatment to anybody who is "different" or "weird"? These people's definitions of "weird" are those who actually do the fucking work in class and who see absolutely no use whatsoever in these competitive bullshit ball games. Well, FUCK THEM ALL! Reading this has annoyed and upset me. People are dying, because none of the other selfish fuckers in their schools are recognising the torment they're going through and helping those who are being subjected to hell. Do they not realise that they could end up saving a life? No, they don't, do they. Because all they want to do is preach to the popular classes and not draw any heat on themselves. Shame on those who would stand by and let a fellow student be driven to his death. I have no sympathy for bullies whose actions end up killing their victims. I don't care what they do to try and redeem themselves. They have taken someone's life, and for what? Absolutely nothing other than their own spite. Shame on them.

This is a difficult issue to hear about. I'm sorry I made you feel depressed, i_like_1981. I get upset reading this stuff, too. But I hope that this topic and others like it will call people's attention to a problem that I'm convinced has been ignored for generations. When I was a boy, the victims of bullying in the schools did not have a voice. They suffered in silence. No one really cared about them. Even today, there are still a lot of people who seek to blame the victim while absolving bullies of any responsibility whatsoever. Since many bullies (contrary to the old stereotype) are popular students, there's also a lot of politics involved. I know that this website is very small and that we have just a few visitors (if any) at a time, especially compared to large websites such as able2know and democraticunderground. But if just one reader becomes aware of the seriousness of bullying from reading this post and becomes more empathetic, then it will have served a good and positive purpose.

[i_like_1981]

It does depress me reading about how students get bullied to their deaths at times, and sometimes even directly killed by their tormentors. It's such a waste of life. Nonetheless, these are facts which need to be faced and people need to be made more aware of what exactly is happening. I hope that stories like that would make at least one bully change his ways and see the wrong in what he is doing, but I fear I might be too optimistic there. It's hard to change a person's ways. Still, I have to thank you for bringing this article to my attention, but if anyone ever revealed to me that they had played a part in bullying a student to his suicide, I wouldn't want anything to do with them. Sorry, but at the end of the day, it's the same as murder - taking away somebody's life through cruel actions with malicious intent.

Best regards,
i_like_1981