My complaint about sports (very long)

[Skul]

While you're probably sick of hearing about sports, it is crucial that you read this letter. I would like to start by discussing sports' allegations, mainly because they scare me. The thing I'm the most frightened about is that revisionism is rapidly becoming the rule of the day. As an interesting experiment, try to point this out to it. (You might want to don safety equipment first.) I think you'll find that sports' representatives believe that the Queen of England heads up the international drug cartel. Although it is perhaps impossible to change the perspective of those who have such beliefs, I wish nevertheless to report as best as possible the facts and circumstances surrounding sports' unruly falsehoods. Sport is like a giant octopus sprawling its slimy length over city, state, and nation. Like the octopus of real life, it operates under cover of self-created screen. Sport seizes in its long and powerful tentacles our executive officers, our legislative bodies, our schools, our courts, our newspapers, and every agency created for the public protection. Unilateralism has served as the justification for the butchering, torture, and enslavement of more people than any other "ism". That's why it's sports' favorite; it makes it easy for it to play fast and loose with the truth.

It may be unfashionable to say so and it may surprise a few of you out there, but sport insists that we should abandon the institutionalized and revered concept of democracy. How can it be so blind? Very easily. Basically, if you read between the lines of sports' perorations, you'll definitely find that while we do nothing, those who extend sports' fifteen minutes of fame to fifteen months are gloating and smirking. And they will keep on gloating and smirking until we give direction to a universal human development of culture, ethics, and morality. What conclusion should we draw from sports slogans? How about that I appear to have gotten ahead of myself here? Whether or not you realize this, when I was younger, I wanted to place a high value on honor and self-respect. I still want to do that, but now I realize that I have a scientist's respect for objective truth. That's why I'm telling you that that fact is simply inescapable to any thinking man or woman. "Thinking" is the key word in the previous sentence. Whenever a sport is blamed for conspiring to leave behind a legacy of continual indebtedness in developing countries, it blames its advocates (fans). Doing so reinforces their (the fans') passivity and obedience and increases their guilt, shame, terror, and conformity, thereby making them far more willing to help the sport see to it that all patriotic endeavors are directed down blind alleys, where they end in frustration and discouragement.

If sports aren't sordid, I don't know what is. Sports are not only immoral, but amoral. Statism is dangerous. Sports' splenetic version of it is doubly so. When sports say that they are the ultimate authority on what's right and what's wrong, in their mind, that's supposed to end the argument. It's like they believe they have said something very profound. It is becoming increasingly obvious to many people that I am now in a position to define what I mean when I say that sports used twisted and self-contradictory logic to arrive at their conclusion that taxpayers are a magic purse that never runs out of gold. What I mean is that sports are incapable of handling an adult emotion or a universal concept without first reducing it to something puerile, wretched, picayunish, and probably maladroit. So don't feed me any phony baloney about how the cure for evil is more evil. That's just not true.

The acid test for sports' "kinder, gentler" new publications should be, "Do they still advocate measures that others criticize for being excessively footling?" If the answer is yes, then we can conclude that sports' actions always follow the same pattern. They put the desired twist on the actual facts, ignore inconvenient facts, and invent as many new "facts" as necessary to convince us that "the norm" shouldn't have to worry about how the exceptions feel. Sports say that everyone would be a lot safer if they (sports) were to monitor all of our personal communications and financial transactions -- even our library records. Why on Earth does sport need to monitor our library records? Sport doesn't want you to know the answer to that question; it wants to ensure you don't contribute to the intellectual and spiritual health of the body politic. It is my personal opinion, based on years of observation, that I'm not a psychiatrist. Sometimes, though, I wish I were, so that I could better understand what makes organizations like sports want to pursue a twofold credo of snobbism and boosterism.

It has been said that immoral warmongers are receptive to sports' caustic messages and fool easily. That makes sense to me. I believe it's true. But it decidedly implies that if sports doesn't like it here, then perhaps it should go elsewhere.

Is this anything other than neo-pernicious misoneism? The answer is obvious if you happen to notice that the first response to this from sports' serfs is perhaps that obscurity, evasiveness, incomprehensibility, indirectness, and ambiguity are marks of depth and brilliance. Wrong. Just glance at the facts: I'm sure sport wouldn't want me to eavesdrop on its secret meetings. So why does it want to exploit the feelings of charity and guilt that many people have over the plight of the homeless? I've devised one theory that almost completely answers that question. Unfortunately, it fails to take into account that if sports thinks that tasteless blusterers and the most soporific heresiarchs I've ever seen should rule this country then maybe it should lay off the wacky tobaccy.

It should be clear by this point that sports is typical of uncontrollable urban guerrillas in its wild invocations to the irrational, the magic, and the fantastic to dramatize its jibes. Sports thinks that the world's salvation comes from whims, irrationality, and delusions. Of course, thinking so doesn't make it so. Don't kid yourself: My observations are perhaps unique. Sad, but true. And it'll only get worse if sports finds a way to interfere with the most important principles of democracy.

Sports is an inspiration to jealous, anti-democratic popinjays everywhere. They praise its crusade to wreck our country, derail our civilization, and threaten the human race with extinction and, more importantly, they don't realize that our path is set. By this, I mean that in order to make efforts directed towards broad, long-term social change, we must debunk the nonsense spouted by its hired goons. I consider that requirement a small price to pay because I'm not writing this letter for your entertainment. I'm not even writing it for your education. I'm writing it for our very survival. One other thing: I try never to argue with sports, because it's clear it's not susceptible to reason. According to the latest scientific evidence, sports' glorifiers all have serious personal problems. In fact, the way it keeps them loyal to it is by encouraging and edging these problems rather than by helping to overcome them.

Again, I want to tell sports where it can stick it. I want to do this not because I need to tack another line onto my résumé, but because sports' conclusions are a load of bunk. I use this delightfully pejorative term, "bunk" -- an alternative from the same page of my criminal-slang lexicon would serve just as well -- because if sports had lived the short, sickly, miserable life of a chattel serf in the ages "before technocracy" it wouldn't be so keen to tap into the national resurgence of overt particularism. Maybe it'd even begin to realize that if one could get a Ph.D. in Cronyism, it would be the first in line to have one. That doesn't necessarily mean that sports and its gruesome assertions should be shunned, although it might. Rather, it means that we've all heard sports yammer and whine about how it's being scapegoated again, the poor dear. Sports likes to quote all of the corny, sticky moralisms about "human rights" and the evils of obstructionism. But as soon as we stop paying attention, it invariably instructs its servants to censor any personal attacks. Then, when someone notices, the pattern repeats from the beginning. Though this game may seem perverse beyond belief to any sane individual, it makes perfect sense in light of sports' bloodthirsty maneuvers.

I bet you want to know the real story behind sports' stubborn answers...? Here it is: Sports says it's going to cast the world into nuclear holocaust sooner or later. Good old sports. It just loves to open its mouth and let all kinds of things come out without listening to how violent they sound. I can no longer get very excited about any revelation of sports' hypocrisy or crookedness. It's what I've come to expect by now. Accordingly, this is not wild speculation. This is not a conspiracy theory. This is documented fact. When sports was first found trying to threaten the existence of human life, perhaps all life on the planet, I was scared. I was scared not only for my personal safety; I was scared for the people I love. And now that sport is planning to create an untrue and detrimental impression of an entire people, I'm terrified.

And that's it.

[blast flame]

Great essay. Too bad not many sports fans will understand it.

[Skul]

Yeah, they'll have to look up the dictionary for the long and complicated words such as 'the' and 'a'.

[blast flame]

Yeah, they'll have to look up the dictionary for the long and complicated words such as 'the' and 'a'.

Sport fans know many long complicated words such as sport, team, ball, tackle, hurt, kill, rape, pillage, burn...

[Ray]

While you're probably sick of hearing about sports, it is crucial that you read this letter. I would like to start by discussing sports' allegations, mainly because they scare me... When sports was first found trying to threaten the existence of human life, perhaps all life on the planet, I was scared. I was scared not only for my personal safety; I was scared for the people I love. And now that sport is planning to create an untrue and detrimental impression of an entire people, I'm terrified.

And that's it.

That was well thought out. I too am worried about the quality of life for our chilfren. What kind of world will it be in 20 years? Probably a nuclear wasteland with mutants running arround screaming GOOOO BEARS!!