Countdown to Christmas
-
- Member
- Posts: 2498
- Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 11:36 pm
- Gender: Male
- Location: somewhere in Texas, Oklahoma, or Louisiana
Re: Countdown to Christmas
Poor Santa sure is taking a beating this year.
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde
Go, Montana State Bobcats!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRq4_uxM ... re=related
Go, Montana State Bobcats!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRq4_uxM ... re=related
- Fat Man
- The Fat Man Judgeth
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:08 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: El Paso, Texas, USA, 3rd Planet, Sol System, Milky Way, Local Cluster, Somewhere in The Cosmos!
- Contact:
Re: Countdown to Christmas
Aw! Poor Santa!Earl wrote:Poor Santa sure is taking a beating this year.

Time to get out my world's smallest violin again.

All I want to hear from an ex-jock is "Will that be paper or plastic?" After that he can shut the fuck up!
Heah comes da judge! Heah comes da judge! Order in da court 'cuz heah comes da judge!


- Fat Man
- The Fat Man Judgeth
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:08 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: El Paso, Texas, USA, 3rd Planet, Sol System, Milky Way, Local Cluster, Somewhere in The Cosmos!
- Contact:
Re: Countdown to Christmas
HOW DO YOU CELEBRATE XMAS?
The Teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas.
She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.
Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," she said.
"Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?" Ms. Jones asked.
"Well, Ms. Jones, my sister and I also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents, " Jimmy replied.
"That's also very nice Jimmy," she said.
Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion she asked Isaac Cohen the same question. "Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" she asked.
Isaac said, "Well we also sing carols!" Isaac responded.
Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing,"
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and we take all the bags of money out of the vault and place them on a big table, then we gather around the table holding hands and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus' . . . . .
. . . . . and then we all go to the Bahamas."
The Teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas.
She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.
Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," she said.
"Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?" Ms. Jones asked.
"Well, Ms. Jones, my sister and I also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents, " Jimmy replied.
"That's also very nice Jimmy," she said.
Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion she asked Isaac Cohen the same question. "Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" she asked.
Isaac said, "Well we also sing carols!" Isaac responded.
Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing,"
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and we take all the bags of money out of the vault and place them on a big table, then we gather around the table holding hands and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus' . . . . .
. . . . . and then we all go to the Bahamas."

All I want to hear from an ex-jock is "Will that be paper or plastic?" After that he can shut the fuck up!
Heah comes da judge! Heah comes da judge! Order in da court 'cuz heah comes da judge!


- Fat Man
- The Fat Man Judgeth
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:08 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: El Paso, Texas, USA, 3rd Planet, Sol System, Milky Way, Local Cluster, Somewhere in The Cosmos!
- Contact:
Re: Countdown to Christmas
Hey everybody! The secret is out!

Santa has come out!


Santa has come out!








All I want to hear from an ex-jock is "Will that be paper or plastic?" After that he can shut the fuck up!
Heah comes da judge! Heah comes da judge! Order in da court 'cuz heah comes da judge!


- Fat Man
- The Fat Man Judgeth
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:08 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: El Paso, Texas, USA, 3rd Planet, Sol System, Milky Way, Local Cluster, Somewhere in The Cosmos!
- Contact:
Re: Countdown to Christmas
Christmas, Redneck Style #1
Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the shack,
Not a thing was a movin',
From the front to the back,
The kids were in bed,
I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers,
Was lookin' real fine.
A cold wind was blowin',
Up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch
Howled and groaned.
The boys were all dreamin'
Of weapons and guns,
For killin' God's creatures,
there's no better fun.
The girls in their feminine
Dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons
Of Wal-Mart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry,
Like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy,
Down off the blocks.
Then in the yard,
Such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught,
In the barb-wire fence.
I ran to the window,
And saw pretty quick,
The man makin' the racket,
Was good ol' St. Nick.
You may think of Santa,
In your own mind's eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit,
But I've got a surprise.
That old boy's an Arkie,
Our fair state he won't fail'er,
He married his cousin,
And they live in a trailer.
On Christmas, of course,
A sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up,
To a razorback pig.
He climbed on the roof,
With his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace,
All dirty and sooty.
Fat legs in his britches,
Chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back,
He looked like Bill Clinton.
He turned toward the tree,
His eyes all aglow,
He was a Southern boy,
From his head to his toe.
His neck was a red one,
His shirt said "Light Beer",
There was no red hat,
His cap read, "John Deere."
He left all the presents,
With an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney,
And into the night.
He ran into the yard,
And threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs,
To get out of the way.
And I heard him exclaim,
As those pigs took to flight,
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all ...A "bud lite"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christmas, Redneck Style #2
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba,
Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung
By the chimney with care,
And therefore there was
A foul stench in the air.
From out in the yard
There came such a noise
That Bubba got scared
And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12;
Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin' on 10;
Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky
Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls
So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls,
No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head,
Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack
That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns;
They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns,
"Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do
Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting
And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door
Without making a peep.
They all looked around,
And then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba,
"Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared;
He could not say a word.
This was just like all of
The stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof,
Darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know;
They was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns
And nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted
In venison steak.
Bubba hollered out,
"Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus
And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin'
And a-raisin' Cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name.
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater
And Sam and old Joe!"
"Git down from that porch!
Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer,
Or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin'
And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag,
And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most,
But left a few for the boys.
From up on the roof
Santa heaved a great sigh.
Since the guns had been dropped
He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh,
Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer
Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed,
But Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin'
At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him,
And he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw,
Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her
Could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK,
And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer;
It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba,
He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba
Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas,
And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish
A Merry Christmas to you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christmas, Redneck Style #3
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the trailer.
My sister woke up, while I was trying to nail 'ER.
The socks was all hung, on my big mounted bass,
In hopes that St. Leroy would be hauling ass.
The young'uns bunked down, all snug on the floor,
Each one had a dip, so they slept near the door.
Sis in her 105 shirt, and her John Deere cap,
Looked purty as a naked silouhette on a truck mud flap.
When out in the dog pen, there arose such a clatter,
I got up from sis, to see what was the matter.
When what to my swollen red eyes should I see,
A pink Coup De Ville, 1973.
He staggered so much, I thought, "What was he on?
And could I buy some of that, from old St. Leroy?"
All my dogs started barkin, he started to shout.
Dog's hate St. Leroy, you figure it out.
"Hey Whitey, Hey Crackerboy", he called me by name,
So I called off my dogs, and hauled up the game.
When he stepped on my porch, there was such a vibration,
I thanked God I installed a concrete foundation.
He was dressed all in fur, and chains made of gold,
On his feet were Air Jordan's, I 'specked he stoled.
Yes, he had toys, there was no mistakin',
But I still wasn't sure if he was given, or taken.
It was then that he pulled a knife from his sack,
As I readied myself for a Leroy attack.
St. Leroy surprised me and gave me great glee,
When he gift wrapped the knife, and put it under the tree.
He continued by filling the socks up with skoal,
His good deeds made me feel, like a major bung hole.
Then layin' his finger on the gold stud on his nose,
He said, "Hey Opey Taylor, I gots to goes".
He jumped in his caddy, and turned on the ignition,
Drove down the dirt road, to continue his mission.
I heard him yell out, as I opened a beer,
"Hey you honky white trash, see you mo'fo's next year".
Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the shack,
Not a thing was a movin',
From the front to the back,
The kids were in bed,
I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers,
Was lookin' real fine.
A cold wind was blowin',
Up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch
Howled and groaned.
The boys were all dreamin'
Of weapons and guns,
For killin' God's creatures,
there's no better fun.
The girls in their feminine
Dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons
Of Wal-Mart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry,
Like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy,
Down off the blocks.
Then in the yard,
Such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught,
In the barb-wire fence.
I ran to the window,
And saw pretty quick,
The man makin' the racket,
Was good ol' St. Nick.
You may think of Santa,
In your own mind's eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit,
But I've got a surprise.
That old boy's an Arkie,
Our fair state he won't fail'er,
He married his cousin,
And they live in a trailer.
On Christmas, of course,
A sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up,
To a razorback pig.
He climbed on the roof,
With his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace,
All dirty and sooty.
Fat legs in his britches,
Chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back,
He looked like Bill Clinton.
He turned toward the tree,
His eyes all aglow,
He was a Southern boy,
From his head to his toe.
His neck was a red one,
His shirt said "Light Beer",
There was no red hat,
His cap read, "John Deere."
He left all the presents,
With an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney,
And into the night.
He ran into the yard,
And threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs,
To get out of the way.
And I heard him exclaim,
As those pigs took to flight,
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all ...A "bud lite"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christmas, Redneck Style #2
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba,
Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung
By the chimney with care,
And therefore there was
A foul stench in the air.
From out in the yard
There came such a noise
That Bubba got scared
And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12;
Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin' on 10;
Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky
Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls
So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls,
No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head,
Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack
That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns;
They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns,
"Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do
Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting
And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door
Without making a peep.
They all looked around,
And then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba,
"Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared;
He could not say a word.
This was just like all of
The stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof,
Darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know;
They was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns
And nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted
In venison steak.
Bubba hollered out,
"Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus
And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin'
And a-raisin' Cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name.
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater
And Sam and old Joe!"
"Git down from that porch!
Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer,
Or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin'
And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag,
And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most,
But left a few for the boys.
From up on the roof
Santa heaved a great sigh.
Since the guns had been dropped
He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh,
Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer
Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed,
But Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin'
At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him,
And he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw,
Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her
Could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK,
And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer;
It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba,
He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba
Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas,
And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish
A Merry Christmas to you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christmas, Redneck Style #3
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the trailer.
My sister woke up, while I was trying to nail 'ER.
The socks was all hung, on my big mounted bass,
In hopes that St. Leroy would be hauling ass.
The young'uns bunked down, all snug on the floor,
Each one had a dip, so they slept near the door.
Sis in her 105 shirt, and her John Deere cap,
Looked purty as a naked silouhette on a truck mud flap.
When out in the dog pen, there arose such a clatter,
I got up from sis, to see what was the matter.
When what to my swollen red eyes should I see,
A pink Coup De Ville, 1973.
He staggered so much, I thought, "What was he on?
And could I buy some of that, from old St. Leroy?"
All my dogs started barkin, he started to shout.
Dog's hate St. Leroy, you figure it out.
"Hey Whitey, Hey Crackerboy", he called me by name,
So I called off my dogs, and hauled up the game.
When he stepped on my porch, there was such a vibration,
I thanked God I installed a concrete foundation.
He was dressed all in fur, and chains made of gold,
On his feet were Air Jordan's, I 'specked he stoled.
Yes, he had toys, there was no mistakin',
But I still wasn't sure if he was given, or taken.
It was then that he pulled a knife from his sack,
As I readied myself for a Leroy attack.
St. Leroy surprised me and gave me great glee,
When he gift wrapped the knife, and put it under the tree.
He continued by filling the socks up with skoal,
His good deeds made me feel, like a major bung hole.
Then layin' his finger on the gold stud on his nose,
He said, "Hey Opey Taylor, I gots to goes".
He jumped in his caddy, and turned on the ignition,
Drove down the dirt road, to continue his mission.
I heard him yell out, as I opened a beer,
"Hey you honky white trash, see you mo'fo's next year".

All I want to hear from an ex-jock is "Will that be paper or plastic?" After that he can shut the fuck up!
Heah comes da judge! Heah comes da judge! Order in da court 'cuz heah comes da judge!


- Fat Man
- The Fat Man Judgeth
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:08 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: El Paso, Texas, USA, 3rd Planet, Sol System, Milky Way, Local Cluster, Somewhere in The Cosmos!
- Contact:
Re: Countdown to Christmas
During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.
"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks."
"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."
"Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"
"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks."
"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."
"Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"

All I want to hear from an ex-jock is "Will that be paper or plastic?" After that he can shut the fuck up!
Heah comes da judge! Heah comes da judge! Order in da court 'cuz heah comes da judge!


- Fat Man
- The Fat Man Judgeth
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:08 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: El Paso, Texas, USA, 3rd Planet, Sol System, Milky Way, Local Cluster, Somewhere in The Cosmos!
- Contact:
Re: Countdown to Christmas


All I want to hear from an ex-jock is "Will that be paper or plastic?" After that he can shut the fuck up!
Heah comes da judge! Heah comes da judge! Order in da court 'cuz heah comes da judge!


- Fat Man
- The Fat Man Judgeth
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:08 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: El Paso, Texas, USA, 3rd Planet, Sol System, Milky Way, Local Cluster, Somewhere in The Cosmos!
- Contact:
Re: Countdown to Christmas
Last edited by Fat Man on Sat Dec 19, 2009 2:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

All I want to hear from an ex-jock is "Will that be paper or plastic?" After that he can shut the fuck up!
Heah comes da judge! Heah comes da judge! Order in da court 'cuz heah comes da judge!


- Fat Man
- The Fat Man Judgeth
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:08 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: El Paso, Texas, USA, 3rd Planet, Sol System, Milky Way, Local Cluster, Somewhere in The Cosmos!
- Contact:
Re: Countdown to Christmas
Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
1. Schizophrenia â?? Do You Hear What I Hear ?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder â?? We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia â?? I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic â?? Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic â?? Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid â?? Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder â?? Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder â?? You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder â?? Silent night, Holy oooooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---------- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
11. Serial Killer â?? Deck The Halls With Parts Of Molly.
12. Pessimist â?? There's No Reason To Be Jolly.
13. White Supremacist â?? I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas.
----------------------------------------
And now, here's some more Xmas shit!!!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist Christmas Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaxXhwxi ... re=related
Jingle Bombs
Oh! Dashing through the sand
with a bomb strapped to my back
I have a nasty plan for Christmas in Iraq!
I got through Check Point A.
But not through Check Point B.
That's when I got shot in the ass
by the US Military!
Oh! Jingle bombs jingle bombs
mine blew up you see!
Where are all the virgins
that Bin Ladin promised me?
Jingle bombs jingle bombs
your soldiers shot me dead.
The only thing that I have left
is this towel upon my head.
I use to be a man,
but every time I cough,
thanks to Uncle Sam
my nuts keep falling off!
My bombing days are done.
I need to find some work.
Perhaps it would be much safer
as a convenience store night clerk.
Oh! Jingle bombs jungle bombs
I think that I got screwed!
Don't laugh at me because I'm dead
or . . . . . I . . . . . kill . . . . . you!!!
I KILL YOU!!!
--------------------------------------------------
Things that sound dirty during Christmas but really aren't.
1.) I think your balls are hanging too low.
2.) To get it to stand upright, try propping it against the wall.
3.) Santa's sack is really bulging!
4.) Did you get any under the tree?
5.) From here you can't tell if they're artifical or real.
6.) Can I interest you in some dark meat?
XMAS SUCKS!

Yeah! It sure does suck!!!
--------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?
A: He heard the snow blower coming.
1. Schizophrenia â?? Do You Hear What I Hear ?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder â?? We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia â?? I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic â?? Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic â?? Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid â?? Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder â?? Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder â?? You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder â?? Silent night, Holy oooooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---------- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
11. Serial Killer â?? Deck The Halls With Parts Of Molly.
12. Pessimist â?? There's No Reason To Be Jolly.
13. White Supremacist â?? I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas.
----------------------------------------
And now, here's some more Xmas shit!!!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist Christmas Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaxXhwxi ... re=related
Jingle Bombs
Oh! Dashing through the sand
with a bomb strapped to my back
I have a nasty plan for Christmas in Iraq!
I got through Check Point A.
But not through Check Point B.
That's when I got shot in the ass
by the US Military!
Oh! Jingle bombs jingle bombs
mine blew up you see!
Where are all the virgins
that Bin Ladin promised me?
Jingle bombs jingle bombs
your soldiers shot me dead.
The only thing that I have left
is this towel upon my head.
I use to be a man,
but every time I cough,
thanks to Uncle Sam
my nuts keep falling off!
My bombing days are done.
I need to find some work.
Perhaps it would be much safer
as a convenience store night clerk.
Oh! Jingle bombs jungle bombs
I think that I got screwed!
Don't laugh at me because I'm dead
or . . . . . I . . . . . kill . . . . . you!!!
I KILL YOU!!!
--------------------------------------------------
Things that sound dirty during Christmas but really aren't.
1.) I think your balls are hanging too low.
2.) To get it to stand upright, try propping it against the wall.
3.) Santa's sack is really bulging!
4.) Did you get any under the tree?
5.) From here you can't tell if they're artifical or real.
6.) Can I interest you in some dark meat?
XMAS SUCKS!

Yeah! It sure does suck!!!
--------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?
A: He heard the snow blower coming.

All I want to hear from an ex-jock is "Will that be paper or plastic?" After that he can shut the fuck up!
Heah comes da judge! Heah comes da judge! Order in da court 'cuz heah comes da judge!


Re: Countdown to Christmas
5 Days!!!! Did you know, that if you take the question about the answer to life, from the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. Something very special happens on google.

- Fat Man
- The Fat Man Judgeth
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:08 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: El Paso, Texas, USA, 3rd Planet, Sol System, Milky Way, Local Cluster, Somewhere in The Cosmos!
- Contact:
Re: Countdown to Christmas
Breaking News
Brawl Erupts at Reindeer Games
Rudolph Suspended for Season
The epidemic of sports violence spread to the North Pole last night as a brawl erupted between fans and reindeer at this yearâ??s reindeer games, resulting in the ejection and suspension of Rudolph for the remainder of the season.
The games, a holiday classic that dates back to 1949, had a mostly uneventful history until 2002, the year that beer and other alcoholic beverages first became available for sale at the event. Since then, fans say, the reindeer games have drawn increasingly unruly crowds who aggressively goad the hoofed creatures with catcalls and obscenities. â??Given how wasted the fans are, itâ??s amazing that something like this didnâ??t happen sooner,â? said Harlan McDougal, a fan who makes the trip from Pittsburgh every year to see the reindeer play.
Rudolph, who was fined by the league for spitting in the face of Blixen earlier in the season, was the object of the fansâ?? ire from early in the first period. â??Fans were shouting at him,â? Mr. McDougal said. â??I didnâ??t hear everything they said, but letâ??s put it this way -- they were not shouting out with glee.â?
After nearly two periods of such abuse, Rudolph had had enough, prancing into the stands and attempting to gore several fans with his antlers. Mr. McDougal said that alcohol may have played a role in Rudolphâ??s violent rampage. â??It was obvious that he had been drinking,â? Mr. McDougal said. â??Did you check out his nose?â?
Elsewhere, as part of a new plan to eradicate the insurgents, former President Bush says he favors increasing the number of Taco Bells in Iraq.
============================================================
Quotes About Santa
Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money? - Tom Armstrong
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple Black
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. - Victor Borge
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark. - Dick Gregory
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? - Arlo Guthrie
I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives. - Groucho Marx "The Groucho Phile"
============================================================
Little Luke's Christmas
Little Luke had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Luke what he wants Santa to bring him. If He cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog crap in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Luke's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
On Christmas morning, little Luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog crap.
Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree.
Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog crap by the garage.
When Luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Luke replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
============================================================
Each year, a boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree.
Each year the boy asks, and each year the father tells him, "I don't want to pay for it."
But the son keeps begging.
Unable to bear his son's whining any longer, his father picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Ten minutes later he returns with a great big beautiful Christmas tree!
"How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.
"I didn't cut it down," the father replies. "I got it at a Christmas tree lot."
"Then why did you take your axe?"
"I didn't want to pay for it."
============================================================










Brawl Erupts at Reindeer Games
Rudolph Suspended for Season
The epidemic of sports violence spread to the North Pole last night as a brawl erupted between fans and reindeer at this yearâ??s reindeer games, resulting in the ejection and suspension of Rudolph for the remainder of the season.
The games, a holiday classic that dates back to 1949, had a mostly uneventful history until 2002, the year that beer and other alcoholic beverages first became available for sale at the event. Since then, fans say, the reindeer games have drawn increasingly unruly crowds who aggressively goad the hoofed creatures with catcalls and obscenities. â??Given how wasted the fans are, itâ??s amazing that something like this didnâ??t happen sooner,â? said Harlan McDougal, a fan who makes the trip from Pittsburgh every year to see the reindeer play.
Rudolph, who was fined by the league for spitting in the face of Blixen earlier in the season, was the object of the fansâ?? ire from early in the first period. â??Fans were shouting at him,â? Mr. McDougal said. â??I didnâ??t hear everything they said, but letâ??s put it this way -- they were not shouting out with glee.â?
After nearly two periods of such abuse, Rudolph had had enough, prancing into the stands and attempting to gore several fans with his antlers. Mr. McDougal said that alcohol may have played a role in Rudolphâ??s violent rampage. â??It was obvious that he had been drinking,â? Mr. McDougal said. â??Did you check out his nose?â?
Elsewhere, as part of a new plan to eradicate the insurgents, former President Bush says he favors increasing the number of Taco Bells in Iraq.
============================================================
Quotes About Santa
Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money? - Tom Armstrong
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple Black
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. - Victor Borge
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark. - Dick Gregory
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? - Arlo Guthrie
I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives. - Groucho Marx "The Groucho Phile"
============================================================
Little Luke's Christmas
Little Luke had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Luke what he wants Santa to bring him. If He cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog crap in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Luke's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
On Christmas morning, little Luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog crap.
Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree.
Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog crap by the garage.
When Luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Luke replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
============================================================
Each year, a boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree.
Each year the boy asks, and each year the father tells him, "I don't want to pay for it."
But the son keeps begging.
Unable to bear his son's whining any longer, his father picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Ten minutes later he returns with a great big beautiful Christmas tree!
"How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.
"I didn't cut it down," the father replies. "I got it at a Christmas tree lot."
"Then why did you take your axe?"
"I didn't want to pay for it."
============================================================


















All I want to hear from an ex-jock is "Will that be paper or plastic?" After that he can shut the fuck up!
Heah comes da judge! Heah comes da judge! Order in da court 'cuz heah comes da judge!


- Fat Man
- The Fat Man Judgeth
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:08 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: El Paso, Texas, USA, 3rd Planet, Sol System, Milky Way, Local Cluster, Somewhere in The Cosmos!
- Contact:
Re: Countdown to Christmas
10 Ways To Confuse Santa
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
3. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
4. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
5. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment -- this is a repo, and take off.
6. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
7. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
8. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
9. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
10. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
========================================
Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating With Santa
Instead of cookies and milk, she leaves out a fifth of Scotch and edible panties.
Comes home with tinsel stuck between her teeth and Claus marks on her back.
Of the 200 presents for her under the tree, you bought three of them.
Never very adventuresome in bed, she suddenly asks if you want to do it "reindeer style."
He comes in late, brushes his teeth furiously, uses floss and mouthwash for the first time in years, then says, "Well, it looks like I'm finally getting that train set this year!"
Her picture is prominently featured on santasbitches.com.
Every day after work, elves block you in traffic to keep you from getting home too early.
She's shaved her pubic hair into the shape of a little chimney.
Tells you that you would look a lot sexier if you grew a beard and added 150 pounds.
Every December 24th it's the same routine: She puts on a teddy and sits on the roof.
========================================
The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas
Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me!
That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree;
what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present!
Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving,
Emily
Dec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning,
and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write.
I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily
Dec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents!
Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens?
Do they really come all the way from France?
It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some.
Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted,
Emily
Dec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning.
They are very sweet,
even if they do call rather loudly -
they make telephoning almost impossible -
but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home.
Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily
Dec. 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings,
one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly!
A really lovely present!
Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after.
The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row,
and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night.
Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks.
Mother has such a sense of humor.
This time she's only joking, I think,
but I do know what she means.
Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,
Emily
Dec. 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning,
it certainly wasn't six socking great geese
laying eggs all over the porch.
Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds.
We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn.
I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love,
Emily
Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS.
This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans,
all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond.
I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish.
The whole house seems to be full of birds,
to say nothing of what they leave behind them,
so please, please, stop!
Your Emily
Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds.
What am I to do with eight milkmaids?
And their cows!
Is this some kind of a joke?
If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily
Jan. 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough.
You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing.
All I can say is, judging from the way they dance,
they're certainly not ladies.
The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless Viragos,
with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green,
and it's mother and I who get the blame.
If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less),
kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily
Jan 3
As I write this letter,
10 disgusting old men are prancing up and down
all over what used to be the garden,
before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it.
And several of them, I have just noticed,
are being a nuisance with the milkmaids.
Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted.
I shall never speak to you again.
Emily
Jan 4
This is the last straw!
You know I detest bagpipes!
The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse,
and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation.
At least Mother has been spared this last outrage;
they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance
to a home for the bewildered.
I hope you're satisfied.
Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you
that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning
of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra,
and several of their friends,
she has no course left open to her
but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further.
I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
3. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
4. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
5. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment -- this is a repo, and take off.
6. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
7. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
8. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
9. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
10. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
========================================
Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating With Santa
Instead of cookies and milk, she leaves out a fifth of Scotch and edible panties.
Comes home with tinsel stuck between her teeth and Claus marks on her back.
Of the 200 presents for her under the tree, you bought three of them.
Never very adventuresome in bed, she suddenly asks if you want to do it "reindeer style."
He comes in late, brushes his teeth furiously, uses floss and mouthwash for the first time in years, then says, "Well, it looks like I'm finally getting that train set this year!"
Her picture is prominently featured on santasbitches.com.
Every day after work, elves block you in traffic to keep you from getting home too early.
She's shaved her pubic hair into the shape of a little chimney.
Tells you that you would look a lot sexier if you grew a beard and added 150 pounds.
Every December 24th it's the same routine: She puts on a teddy and sits on the roof.
========================================
The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas
Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me!
That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree;
what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present!
Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving,
Emily
Dec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning,
and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write.
I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily
Dec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents!
Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens?
Do they really come all the way from France?
It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some.
Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted,
Emily
Dec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning.
They are very sweet,
even if they do call rather loudly -
they make telephoning almost impossible -
but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home.
Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily
Dec. 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings,
one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly!
A really lovely present!
Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after.
The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row,
and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night.
Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks.
Mother has such a sense of humor.
This time she's only joking, I think,
but I do know what she means.
Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,
Emily
Dec. 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning,
it certainly wasn't six socking great geese
laying eggs all over the porch.
Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds.
We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn.
I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love,
Emily
Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS.
This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans,
all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond.
I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish.
The whole house seems to be full of birds,
to say nothing of what they leave behind them,
so please, please, stop!
Your Emily
Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds.
What am I to do with eight milkmaids?
And their cows!
Is this some kind of a joke?
If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily
Jan. 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough.
You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing.
All I can say is, judging from the way they dance,
they're certainly not ladies.
The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless Viragos,
with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green,
and it's mother and I who get the blame.
If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less),
kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily
Jan 3
As I write this letter,
10 disgusting old men are prancing up and down
all over what used to be the garden,
before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it.
And several of them, I have just noticed,
are being a nuisance with the milkmaids.
Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted.
I shall never speak to you again.
Emily
Jan 4
This is the last straw!
You know I detest bagpipes!
The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse,
and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation.
At least Mother has been spared this last outrage;
they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance
to a home for the bewildered.
I hope you're satisfied.
Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you
that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning
of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra,
and several of their friends,
she has no course left open to her
but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further.
I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law

All I want to hear from an ex-jock is "Will that be paper or plastic?" After that he can shut the fuck up!
Heah comes da judge! Heah comes da judge! Order in da court 'cuz heah comes da judge!


Re: Countdown to Christmas
Santa vs Mr. Higglesworth 2009 finale! This will mark the end of the year of 2009! Who will prevail in the end?
HULK SMASH SPORTS JOCK'S HEAD! OWWWW, HULK HURT HAND!
The Golden Rule: DO feed the troll!
Crappy school but better than sports related schools...

The Golden Rule: DO feed the troll!
Crappy school but better than sports related schools...

- Fat Man
- The Fat Man Judgeth
- Posts: 3301
- Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:08 am
- Gender: Male
- Location: El Paso, Texas, USA, 3rd Planet, Sol System, Milky Way, Local Cluster, Somewhere in The Cosmos!
- Contact:
Re: Countdown to Christmas
Christmas & Hanukkah will merge
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

All I want to hear from an ex-jock is "Will that be paper or plastic?" After that he can shut the fuck up!
Heah comes da judge! Heah comes da judge! Order in da court 'cuz heah comes da judge!

