The cult test.

[blast flame]

I will now test the average sports team with the cult checklist


"The group is focused on a leader to whom members seem to display excessively zealous, unquestioning commitment."
the coach to the team members and fans

" The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members."
Yes.

"The group is preoccupied with making money."
Team merchandise.

"Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished."
Don't ever think any other team is better than us.

"Mind-numbing techniques (such as meditation, chanting, speaking in tongues, denunciation sessions, debilitating work routines) are used to suppress doubts about the group and its leader(s)."
Cheering

"The leadership dictates sometimes in great detail how members should think, act, and feel (for example: members must get permission from leaders to date, change jobs, get married; leaders may prescribe what types of clothes to wear, where to live, how to discipline children, and so forth)."
To an extent with the team members, maybe necessary though

"The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s), and members (for example: the leader is considered the Messiah or an avatar; the group and/or the leader has a special mission to save humanity)."
Every other team sucks...

"The group has a polarized us- versus-them mentality, which causes conflict with the wider society."
We will win the cup.

"The group's leader is not accountable to any authorities (as are, for example, military commanders and ministers, priests, monks, and rabbis of mainstream denominations)."
Not really.

"The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify means that members would have considered unethical before joining the group (for example: collecting money for bogus charities)."
No.

"The leadership induces guilt feelings in members in order to control them."
It was your fault we lost.

"Members' subservience to the group causes them to cut ties with family and friends, and to give up personal goals and activities that were of interest before joining the group."
Yes.

"Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group."
Many sports fans lives revolve around their team.

"Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members"
Don't talk to him he supports (insert team name here)

[Skul]

There we have it! Proof that sports teams are actually little cults that are all connected together in some kind of "super-cult".

[Esquire]

Forgive me all i have sinned against you..i watched a bit of college football today...i'm sorry i was bored and well i don't know what came over me...sniff....what shall i do..tell....flogging no problem...snogging..even better

[Skul]

You can't have been bored. You must have been too hyper, so you watched that bore-fest to calm yourself down. Unfortunately, it was so boring, you forgot that you were hyper

Is it all coming back, now?

[Esquire]

Yes, I see..i must of been that damned Starbucks mocha venti latte..ah..wow Scotland....is it a nice place to live?...and are you a David Hume fan?

[Ray]

I will now test the average sports team with the cult checklist


"The group is focused on a leader to whom members seem to display excessively zealous, unquestioning commitment."
the coach to the team members and fans

"The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members."
Yes.

"The group is preoccupied with making money."
Team merchandise.

"Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group."
Many sports fans lives revolve around their team.

"Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members"
Don't talk to him he supports (insert team name here)

Very interesting. That is a thoughtful analysis of the puzzle called football. I would have never thought of that.. but it's sort of true. The blank stares. The unquestioning loyalty. I think you hit the nail on the head. So.. to attack this menace, we're wasting our time with the sports fans --we have to focus on the leader?

[blast flame]

I will now test the average sports team with the cult checklist


"The group is focused on a leader to whom members seem to display excessively zealous, unquestioning commitment."
the coach to the team members and fans

"The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members."
Yes.

"The group is preoccupied with making money."
Team merchandise.

"Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group."
Many sports fans lives revolve around their team.

"Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members"
Don't talk to him he supports (insert team name here)

Very interesting. That is a thoughtful analysis of the puzzle called football. I would have never thought of that.. but it's sort of true. The blank stares. The unquestioning loyalty. I think you hit the nail on the head. So.. to attack this menace, we're wasting our time with the sports fans --we have to focus on the leader?

No that wouldn't work because the leaders have so little to lose and so much to gain. They are worshiped like gods and get plenty of money, would you want to give that up? Even if we get one of the leaders to free his slaves they would just be dragged into another team. That would just concentrate them which would be bad because sports fans are strong in numbers.