Beating Up Jocks: How it's done.
Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 9:54 am
OK people, as a public service, I will tell you all, once and for all, about how to deal with obnoxious Jocks. That's right, grasshoppers, the MASTER is gonna teach something valuable. I know alot of you feel discouraged, feel like the jocks in your school are 'untouchable.' The jocks feel the same way too. However, you all sell yourselves short. Inside every 'bookworm' who'd rather learn something useful than go chase a stupid ball, there is a seething Jock-crushing monster who's downright sick of it all. Sick of the Jocks, sick of the apparent worship of jocks, and sick of all the attention they get from high-school bitches. Sick of the emphasis on sports over actual LEARNING. That's right. You're all trying to better yourself, but a bunch of mouthbreathers in school uniforms get all the perks and breaks. Doesn't that make you pissed? What if you ever had a girlfriend cheat on you with a Jock? (never happened to me, but I had the bastard try... *growls and foams at mouth*) Are you angry NOW? GOOD! Use it wisely grasshoppers.
RULE NUMBER ONE: A jock is always used to being the 'aggressor.' You'd be amazed, how fast the chest-beating and macho posturing disappears, when someone rushes THEM. They never expect it. It's like a complete blindside. It's a beautiful maneuver, learn it well. Take a page from their OWN book, and take the big oaf down with a flying tackle. Try to grab his shoulders and put your feet into his chest, and hang on, because I can promise you he'll be going down if you do it right.
Once you have your Jock down, what do you do? Well, try sitting on his chest. It works better if you're heagvier, but the further forward you sit, the less they can move. OK, Jock-boy ain't going nowhere, what next?
Well, he'll probably try to swing. Dodge with your head. If he does hit you, ignore it. You can afford to feel the pain later. Get those arms under you as well, or grab both wrists with one hand, and pull them above his head. Congratulations. He is now your bitch. Feel free to punch him in the mouth with your free hand as many times as you can. Make 'em count too. If you're outside, and there's a rock within arm-reach, grab it and clock him in the skull with it. Cheap? Who cares, it's a stupid jock. Eventually, you'll get him dazed, and the REAL fun begins. Bend his arm at an unnatural angle and sharply strike the elbow with the rock. If no rock is available, experiment. See how far backwards you can bend it. Maybe turn around and start bashing his knee backwards? Be creative. Make it permanent. (You'll know how 'permanent' it is by how much noise he makes when you do it) If you see swelling develop, feel free to congratulate yourself. If he's complete KOed, get off, put your foot on his knee, grab his ankle, and PULL until you feel something give. Put your back into it. A human leg is hard to break.
Remember, beating a jock up is ALWAYS more fun if you manage to ruin any sports career he might have ever had. Bonus points if he ends up a drunk or drug addict because of it. Guilt? Why? He was a stupid prick and it serves him right. Remember that.
Now, this describes an ideal situations. However, violence is a random thing. Here are a few points to remember in all situations.
1: A jock usually has to get 'pumped up' before he can do anything, so while he's standing there talking big and getting all huffy, cut the bullshit and just deck him. Lightning speed, boys and girls, remember that.
2: he can't punch you if his arms are imobilized. If he swings, catch him by the wrist and try and bend a finger back. Or a couple. Don't stop until they break. And then punch his knuckles real hard so he screams and goes down.
3: NO MERCY! They never show anyone else any, why should they deserve it?
4: NO SUCH THING AS 'CHEAP.' Clubs, rocks, blindsides, attacks from behind, etc. All fair game. It's war, not play.
5: Kicking in the balls seems a likely solution, but most wear cups, and besides, it's very risky. Some get an adrenalin burst instead of going down.
Now, remember too, it's always better to do it in front of his whole team. You'd think they'd jump in, but surprisingly enough, most will just stand there and laugh at one of their own. Sports teach loyalty? BULLSHIT.
Now, boys and girls, I've imparted my wisdom. Go, grasshoppers, and ruin a potential sports career today.
YOU CAN DO IT! CUT HIS FUCKING BALLS OFF!
RULE NUMBER ONE: A jock is always used to being the 'aggressor.' You'd be amazed, how fast the chest-beating and macho posturing disappears, when someone rushes THEM. They never expect it. It's like a complete blindside. It's a beautiful maneuver, learn it well. Take a page from their OWN book, and take the big oaf down with a flying tackle. Try to grab his shoulders and put your feet into his chest, and hang on, because I can promise you he'll be going down if you do it right.
Once you have your Jock down, what do you do? Well, try sitting on his chest. It works better if you're heagvier, but the further forward you sit, the less they can move. OK, Jock-boy ain't going nowhere, what next?
Well, he'll probably try to swing. Dodge with your head. If he does hit you, ignore it. You can afford to feel the pain later. Get those arms under you as well, or grab both wrists with one hand, and pull them above his head. Congratulations. He is now your bitch. Feel free to punch him in the mouth with your free hand as many times as you can. Make 'em count too. If you're outside, and there's a rock within arm-reach, grab it and clock him in the skull with it. Cheap? Who cares, it's a stupid jock. Eventually, you'll get him dazed, and the REAL fun begins. Bend his arm at an unnatural angle and sharply strike the elbow with the rock. If no rock is available, experiment. See how far backwards you can bend it. Maybe turn around and start bashing his knee backwards? Be creative. Make it permanent. (You'll know how 'permanent' it is by how much noise he makes when you do it) If you see swelling develop, feel free to congratulate yourself. If he's complete KOed, get off, put your foot on his knee, grab his ankle, and PULL until you feel something give. Put your back into it. A human leg is hard to break.
Remember, beating a jock up is ALWAYS more fun if you manage to ruin any sports career he might have ever had. Bonus points if he ends up a drunk or drug addict because of it. Guilt? Why? He was a stupid prick and it serves him right. Remember that.
Now, this describes an ideal situations. However, violence is a random thing. Here are a few points to remember in all situations.
1: A jock usually has to get 'pumped up' before he can do anything, so while he's standing there talking big and getting all huffy, cut the bullshit and just deck him. Lightning speed, boys and girls, remember that.
2: he can't punch you if his arms are imobilized. If he swings, catch him by the wrist and try and bend a finger back. Or a couple. Don't stop until they break. And then punch his knuckles real hard so he screams and goes down.
3: NO MERCY! They never show anyone else any, why should they deserve it?
4: NO SUCH THING AS 'CHEAP.' Clubs, rocks, blindsides, attacks from behind, etc. All fair game. It's war, not play.
5: Kicking in the balls seems a likely solution, but most wear cups, and besides, it's very risky. Some get an adrenalin burst instead of going down.
Now, remember too, it's always better to do it in front of his whole team. You'd think they'd jump in, but surprisingly enough, most will just stand there and laugh at one of their own. Sports teach loyalty? BULLSHIT.
Now, boys and girls, I've imparted my wisdom. Go, grasshoppers, and ruin a potential sports career today.
YOU CAN DO IT! CUT HIS FUCKING BALLS OFF!
