Countdown to Christmas

[Lewis]

25 days, for dramatic effect when reading this, listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9KyBdPeKHg

[Fat Man]

Here's a couple of You Tube Videos.

Santa's Coke Bust
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL5HcfwovnI&NR=1

This one is my favorite.

12 drugs of Christmas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aH5mQAjhNY


The 12 Drugs Of Christmas

On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me
a tab of yellow sunshine LSD

On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me
200 reds and
a tab of yellow sunshine LSD

On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me
3 pounds of grass
200 reds and
a tab of yellow sunshine LSD

On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
4 grams of hash
3 pounds of grass
200 reds and
a tab of yellow sunshine LSD

On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
5 Valiums
4 grams of hash
3 pounds of grass
200 reds and
a tab of yellow sunshine LSD

On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
6 joints of smoking
5 Valiums
4 grams of hash
3 pounds of grass
200 reds and
a tab of yellow sunshine LSD

On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
7 whites of buzzing
6 joints of smoking
5 Valiums
4 grams of hash
3 pounds of grass
200 reds and
a tab of yellow sunshine LSD

On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
8 spoons of snorting
7 whites of buzzing
6 joints of smoking
5 Valiums
4 grams of hash
3 pounds of grass
200 reds and
a tab of yellow sunshine LSD

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
9 caps of dropping
8 spoons of snorting
7 whites of buzzing
6 joints of smoking
5 Valiums
4 grams of hash
3 pounds of grass
200 reds and
a tab of yellow sunshine LSD

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
10 yolli buttons
9 caps of dropping
8 spoons of snorting
7 whites of buzzing
6 joints of smoking
5 Valiums
4 grams of hash
3 pounds of grass
200 reds and
a tab of yellow sunshine LSD

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
11 magic mushrooms
10 yolli buttons
9 caps of dropping
8 spoons of snorting
7 whites of buzzing
6 joints of smoking
5 Valiums
4 grams of hash
3 pounds of grass
200 reds and
a tab of yellow sunshine LSD

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
12 kids of popping
11 magic mushrooms
10 yolli buttons
9 caps of dropping
8 spoons of snorting
7 whites of buzzing
6 joints of smoking
5 Valiums
4 grams of hash
3 pounds of grass
200 reds and
a tab of yellow sunshine LSD

[Fat Man]

This one is from a South Park Cartoon.

Here is a You Tube Video.

South Park Songs - Mr. Garrison - Merry Fucking Christmas.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3KvKfxiZj0

And here are the lyrics.

Merry Fucking Christmas

I heard there is no Christmas
In the silly Middle East
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus
They have different religious beliefs

They believe in Muhammad
And not in our holiday
And so every December
I go to the Middle East and say...

"Hey there Mr. Muslim
Merry fucking Christmas
Put down that book the Koran
And hear some holiday wishes.

In case you haven't noticed
It's Jesus's birthday.
So get off your heathen Muslim ass
and fucking celebrate.

There is no holiday season in India I've heard
They don't hang up their stockings
And that is just absurd!

They've never read a Christmas story.
They don't know what Rudolph is about
And that is why in December
I'll go to India and shout...

Hey there Mr. Hinduist
Merry fucking Christmas
Drink eggnog and eat some beef
And pass it to the missus.

In case you haven't noticed
It's Jesus's birthday
So get off your heathen Hindu ass
and fucking celebrate!

Now I heard that in Japan
Everyone just lives in sin
They pray to several gods
And put needles in their skin.

On December 25th
All they do is eat a cake
And that is why I go to Japan
And walk around and say...

Hey there Mr. Shintoist
Merry fucking Christmas
God is going to kick your ass
You infidelic pagan scum.

In case you haven't noticed
There's festive things to do
So lets all rejoice for Jesus
And Merry fucking Christmas to you.

On Christmas day I travel `round the world and say,
Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists too,
Merry Fucking Christmas, To You!

[Fat Man]

YOU AIN'T GETTIN SHIT FOR CHRISTMAS {COMEDY SONG}
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zei4hJFnQGA

YOU AIN'T GETTING SHIT FOR CHRISTMAS
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)
Smelly Water with The Alan Pinchloaf Singers

They say Christmas is a time for giving - at least that's what the
good book says, and at our house every Christmas Eve my son and
daughter and their families drive down from the big city for an old
fashioned family holiday. Ma dresses the house up like a Christmas
card, you can hear her in the kitchen singing while she's baking
cookies for the children. Ma spends hours wrapping the presents
she's been buying since last August and hangs all the stockings over
the fireplace. The morning of, I cut me down the prettiest darn
Christmas tree you ever saw in your life. Eh, this year we really
outdid ourselves. You know, Ma and I are getting on in our years so
we decided to give the kids tax-free cash gifts of $10,000 apiece.

I reckon it was around noon, I heard the dogs barking (yells "Come
Rags!, Come Guzzler!") and there was Jim the mailman in his old
Santa cap, coming up the walk teasing the dogs, holding a package.
Well he handed it over to me and says "Pappy, looks like you got an
overnight package from your daughter". I went back in the kitchen and
Ma tore it open. To our horror we unwrapped a fruitcake with a note
that read...

"Aloha Ma & Dad, at the last minute we got a cheap fare on the
internet and went to Hawaii. Hold onto our gifts until after the
first of the year. Love, Princess."

Well, Ma's heart was broken and I felt a lump in my throat as I
thought to myself...

You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
well you ain't getting shit
no you ain't getting dick
you ain't getting shit for Christmas

You know, Ma hasn't had a drink in 20 years and I've been off the
sauce a while myself and heck, if there was ever an excuse to start
drinking again. (doorbell) Who in tarnation could that be,
Junior and his family? It was some delivery fella standing there
holding what looked like a fruitcake tin with a card attached.

"Pop, the company's condo is free this week and you know how much
Pumpkin and I love Hilton Head. Please forward our gifts to this
address."

(cork and pouring sound)

Hey Ma, save some for me. Well, Ma took a conniption things turned
ugly. She started breaking things and hurled the turkey and those
two fruitcakes right through the front window, the whole time she
was yelling...

You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
well you ain't getting shit
no you ain't getting dick
you ain't getting shit for Christmas

You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
well you ain't getting shit
no you ain't getting dick
you ain't getting shit for Christmas

The melody is actually really nice!!!

In the meantime . . . . .

Santa Claus is coming to town.



Real soon!!!

[Fat Man]

Christmas Time in Hell!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B767SyhOptM


Christmas Time in Hell!

Satan: Well I tell you what,
Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas, right here.
C'mon everyone, gather 'round!

String up the lights and light up the tree
We're going to make some revelry
Spirits are high, so I can tell
It's Christmas time in Hell!

Demons are nicer as you pass them by
There's lots of demon toys to buy
The snow is falling and all is well
It's Christmas time in Hell!

There goes Jeffery Dahmer,
With a festive Christmas ham
After he has sex with it,
He'll eat up all he can.

And there goes John F. Kennedy
Caroling with his son
Reunited for the holidays
God bless us, everyone!

Everybody has a happy glow
Let's dance in blood and pretend its snow
Even Mao Tse-Tung is under the spell
It's Christmas time in Hell!

Adolf, here's a present for you.

Hitler: Oh? O Tannenbaum!

Satan: Yes, O Tannenbaum!

God cast me down from Heaven's door
To rule in Hell for evermore
But now I'm kinda glad that I fell
'Cause It's Christmas time in hell!

Here's a rack to hang the stockings on
We still have to shop for Genghis Kahn!
Michael Landon's hair looks swell!
It's Christmas time in hell!

There's Princess Diana
Holding burning mistletoe
Over poor Gene Siskel's head
Just watch his weenie grow!

For one day we all stop burning
And the flames are not so thick
All the screaming and the torture stops
As we wait for old Saint Nick!

So string up the lights and light up the tree
We're damned for all eternity
But for just one day all is well
It's Christmas time in Hell!

We've got to toast together, and make it quick!
We've gotta make room for Andy Dick.
Wake his mother and ring the bell

It's Christmas time...

(Christmas time... Christmas time... Christmas time...)

Christmas time...

(Christmas time... Christmas time... Christmas time...)

It's Christmas time in Hell!

[Earl]

Hamster Tree
(To the tune of "O Tannenbaum")

Oh woe is me, oh woe is me
I used to have a hamster tree
Oh woe is me, oh woe is me
I used to have a hamster tree
But it was eaten by a newt
And now I have no cuddly fruit
Oh woe is me, oh woe is me
I used to have a hamster tree.

My hamster tree, my hamster tree
It used to quietly squeak at me (x2)
But now it's gone, I feel so sad
(Although the squeaking drove me mad)
My hamster tree, my hamster tree
It used to quietly squeak at me.

I miss them so, I miss them so
The cuddly fruit of long ago (x2)
I would detach them from the tree
And let them crawl all over me
I miss them so, I miss them so
The cuddly fruit of long ago.

[Agent 47]

O.K., so it's 15 days until Christmas - but let's not forget about - FESTIVUS!

(A Non-denominational alternate Christmas-time holiday featured on SEINFELD, Season 9, episode No. 166, "The Strike"). - "A Festivus, for the rest of us..." (Frank Costanza, 1997).

"Festivus is introduced in the Seinfeld episode entitled "The Strike", which revolves around Cosmo Kramer returning to work at H&H Bagels. He does so after learning that a 12-year strike in which he participated has ended (because the minimum wage has risen to the level of the wages demanded by the workers twelve years earlier). Kramer becomes interested in resurrecting the holiday when at the bagel shop, Frank Costanza tells him how he created Festivus as an alternative holiday in response to the commercialization of Christmas...

Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!
Kramer: That must have been some doll.
Frank Costanza: She was."

Frank Costanza's son, George (Jason Alexander), creates donation cards for a fake charity called The Human Fund (with the slogan "Money For People") in lieu of having to give office Christmas presents. When his boss, Mr. Kruger (Daniel von Bargen), questions George about a US$20,000 check he gave George to donate to the Human Fund as a corporate donation, George hastily concocts the excuse that he made up the Human Fund because he feared persecution for his beliefs, for not celebrating Christmas, but celebrating Festivus. Attempting to call his bluff, Kruger goes home with George to see Festivus in action..."

Hilarity ensues...


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Festivus

http://www.festivusbook.com/

http://www.kwillis.com/festivus.html


"A Festivus for the rest of us!" (Frank Costanza, 1997)

[Fat Man]

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy


Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.
At least HE can spell.

Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah


Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy


Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who
rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation Wii, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay.
I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films.
I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Hey, you wanted to know!

Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping,
Do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?

Love, Jessica


Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible?
Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.

Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please,
PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?

Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but
that crap doesn't work with me.
You're getting a sweater again.

Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house.
How do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky," that's why you're
getting your ass whipped at school.
Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like the bogey man does,
through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

[Sergey]

Dear Santa,

I want to kill you and burn your fat ass in a fire, please come to my van at 9:00, you know where.

Loathe, Mrs. Claus Stalker.

[Earl]

Dear Santa,

Be sure you give that nice young man Sergey a football uniform, and don't forget to give Fat Man a copy of the amazingly thick Joe ("Women are only good for sex") Namath biography. And give copies of that book to abitagirl, Katrin, and blackdog4444 too. And don't forget Ray, Skul, dickfilthy, greencom, rotten, and jboy590. Give each one of them a year's subscription to Sports Illustrated.

Earl

[abitagirl]

Dear Santa,

Be sure you give that nice young man Sergey a football uniform, and don't forget to give Fat Man a copy of the amazingly thick Joe ("Women are only good for sex") Namath biography. And give copies of that book to abitagirl, Katrin, and blackdog4444 too. And don't forget Ray, Skul, dickfilthy, greencom, rotten, and jboy590. Give each one of them a year's subscription to Sports Illustrated.

Earl

PS: And don't forget our good friend Earl! Give him season tickets to whatever is his local team, or at least whichever team is closest to where he lives. Oh, and also, he would like tickets to the Super Bore. Give him two of those so he can invite his favorite sports bore to go with him.

[Earl]

That would be the Houston Texans. Hooray! And I think I'll drag my wife to the Stupor Bowl.

As the late Lou Costello would say, I've been a baaaad boy!

[Fat Man]

The Three Little Pigs Christmas (And what really happened to Santa!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCfKZHPb ... re=related

[Fat Man]

I believe Santa Claus has to be Gay!



If you're not sure, look at some of these examples:

1.) Christmas is a big, well organized, fully catered, decorated, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social beverage deal, and I have a tough time believing a straight man could possibly pull it all off!

2.) "Fairy lights". What about those over-the-top decorations? A straight man cannot even organize a matching shirt and tie!

3.) Straight men have day jobs, so they wouldn't have time to stand at the local shopping malls and ring a bell all day. But if you're a gay, out-of-work Actor/ Dancer/Waiter, it's the perfect gig until you get your big break.

4.) Also, if Santa was straight, he would have picked an animal much more masculine than the reindeer to get him around, like horses or oxen, but the reindeer just happen to appeal to Santa's inherent sense of grace and beauty.

5.) Speaking of masculine, my dear, what about those names for the reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen? You fill in the blanks.

6.) Mrs. Claus has been married to him for eons yet he's never ever fathered a child with her. She's over-weight and still content. Why I hear you ask? Can you say "Fag-Hag"?

7.) Ever thought about the Rudolph story? He's gay too! Come on, you have thought about it too. "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games." As if he wanted to. Besides, isn't Rudolph really only a metaphor for the gay child living in a straight society anyway?

8.) Ever ask yourself why fruitcake is the traditional dessert at Christmas time? Well, now you know! And stop pretending you don't like it. Deep down inside, you've always liked fruitcake.

9.) Look at the size of the bag he packs for a one-night trip! And his outfit??? Red velvet with a white, fur collar? Black, knee high boots and a thick black patent leather belt. Just the attire all straight men rush to buy!

10.) Darling, just think about it!!! Physically, he's a dream come true for the Chubby Chaser Club and the perfect "Bear" poster child. Also, with his love of giving gifts, Santa's the perfect Sugar Daddy for all those old sad aging queens who don't like to work!

11.) Which straight man has ever thought of using "stockings" to hide their candy?

Need I say More?

(Please note: I have nothing against Gays. I have some friends who are Gay, so Gay is OK.)

Anyway . . . . . . .

Here's some more interesting facts about Christmas.

A Christmas Factoid

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. On top of it all, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were loose, who knows where. More stress!

Then when Santa began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw from which it was made.

In the midst of all this, the doorbell rang. Santa cussed on his way to the door. When he opened the door, Santa saw a little angel with a great big Christmas tree standing on his porch. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the angel on top of the Christmas tree.



Happy Holidays!!!

[Fat Man]

Ah! Christmas!



GIMME! GIMME! GIMME!

Don't ya just love it!!!