Letters 2024
20 April 2024
Subject: Running of the Bulls
RUNNING OF THE BULLS: A Play
RICK
Ah, you showed up.
MAGGIE
Why wouldn't I show up?
RICK
Well, the last time we spoke you were mad at me.
MAGGIE
I wasn't mad at you. I just thought we weren't compatible. What have you been up to?
RICK
I was drowning my sorrows in Europe.
MAGGIE
You couldn't have been too unhappy. I haven't seen or heard from you all summer.
RICK
I thought you didn't want to. If you recall you said I lacked character.
MAGGIE
Yes. I shouldn't have said that in a moment of anger.
RICK
No. That's what you thought. You said I never do anything daring or dangerous or risky. But I wanted to prove to you that you were wrong. So I went and I did something that will impress even you.
MAGGIE (jokingly)
What? You studied painting in Paris?
RICK
No I didn't go to France. I went to Spain.
MAGGIE
How nice. I've never been there.
RICK
I went to Madrid, and Seville and Pamplona.
MAGGIE
I'd love to see Barcelona. And, of course, the Prado.
RICK
Didn't you hear me? I said Pamplona.
MAGGIE
Yes and Madrid and Seville.
RICK
You don't understand. I was there.
MAGGIE
Where?
RICK
There. When it happened.
MAGGIE
You were where when what happened?
RICK
In Pamplona, For the running of the bulls.
MAGGIE (shocked)
You went to see the running of the bulls?
RICK
No. I went to be in the running of the bulls. The encierro! I wanted to show you that, despite what you think, I could be brave.
MAGGIE
What has that got to do with bravery?
RICK
Are you kidding? You go into a fenced route through the city with 2 to 300 other runners. They fire this rocket, and then they release six angry bulls and nine steers to guide them. And you run like hell to stay ahead of them.
MAGGIE
I repeat what has that got to do with bravery?
RICK
You're joking. Do you realize how much courage it takes to have six 1400 pound bulls chasing you, ready to gore you to death, or trample you to pieces if you happen to fall? Those things have 15 inch horns, sharp as knives.
MAGGIE
But that doesn't take bravery. It takes stupidity and cowardice.
RICK (offended)
It's not stupid, and what do you mean cowardice?
MAGGIE
Because it's not a fair fight. The streets are fenced off, and I'm told they leave openings in the fences, narrow enough for a frightened man to slip through, but not a frightened bull. Where's the fair fight in that?
RICK
Bulls don't get frightened.
MAGGIE
How would you know?
RICK
Besides I didn't duck into an opening.
MAGGIE
Well bully for you, no pun intended. It's still a coward's game because it's not a fair fight. It's not a fight at all. It's the prelude to a slaughter. The bulls aren't given a chance. They're killed in the arena that very same day for the entertainment of an audience of sadists sitting on their asses. Cruel and idiotic people, like you.
RICK
Well pardon me. I thought you would be impressed.
MAGGIE
Impressed? So, dear Rick, you thought I'd be impressed because you put on a little white outfit, tied on a red wasteband, put a dippy red scarf around your neck and scampered down the street with hundreds of other pseudo-macho morons being chased by bulls who were bred to die? You thought what was heroic? That that would impress me?
RICK
Yes, but I should have realized that you're a typical bleeding heart. That you would scoff at a sport that's been popular in Spain since 1910. This is a man's sport. Hemingway wrote about it. It was glorified in movies. It's the subject of operas and paintings. It's a time-honored sport.
MAGGIE (Scoffing)
Sport! It's not a sport.
RICK
Yes, it is a sport.
MAGGIE
It's an excuse to kill helpless animals for entertainment. And, I guess, a good way to commit suicide.
RICK
Ah, that's where you're wrong. Do you know how many runners have died at the running of the bulls since 1910? Fifteen. That's all, fifteen.
MAGGIE
Yes. And do you know how many bulls have died in this time-honored sport since 1910? (She gets up from table) All of them. Ole!
CURTAIN
Allan Provost
17 April 2024
Subject: The Euros
Good afternoon.
Anyone in England should be forewarned that a month of tedious football awaits us in June as the Euros take place. Once again, that tedious dirge of a song Three Lions will be played by every pop music radio station and people will be forced to get behind England by the media and football obsessed bores. Luckily this month of boredom and forced patriotism happens to occur in summer, and like the last tournament, if the weather is nice, it's a good excuse to go for a long walk or drive.
Another worrying thing is the Euros happen to be taking place in Germany, which even though World War Two ended 79 years ago, some mindless fans still think the war is on and will take great delight in trashing German bars and shopping centres. I was in Germany a month after the country last hosted this tournament in 1988, where our so called fans had caused mayhem, and had to tell a few Germans I had no interest in football and wasn't a hooligan. No doubt innocent English tourists will have to apologise due to these morons again and I'm glad Germany isn't on my bucket list this year.
Anyway, non fans, keep the faith, walk the dog, have a drive in the country, avoid the fans and enjoy the sunshine in June.
AN ENGLISHMAN.
8 April 2024
Subject: WHO'S THE SISSY NOW
I find it comical that so many sports fans pride themselves on being so manly, such rugged, loud, beer guzzling, would-be athletes, who gather with their good buddies to watch game after repetitive game. And what do they do when their teams win? Shake hands, hug, get giddy with excitement, and drift into a euphoria of unearned victory. The teams themselves are even worse, leaping in the air, dancing, group hugs, endless compliments, and lots of butt patting. Even their girlfriends never get this level of enthusiasm. And if they lose? A sad, somber, chin up, next time kind of we did our best attitude. Sorry, I don't get sports.
Allan
29 March 2024
Subject: Comment from Bill
My good friend Bill had the usual flaw: He was a sports fan. When I expressed my contempt for sports, he took offense. He argued, "A lot of guys haven't achieved much in life and have little to brag about, so sports gives them the kind of excitement and lift they need." My counter argument was, "If they had spent less time watching mindless sports and more time on learning and achieving they wouldn't have that stupid need."
Allan Provost, Miami
27 March 2024
Subject: Booster
I love your website. I sent an anti-sports poem in the past. Thought your readers would like this short play.
Allan
25 February 2024
Subject: Boycott the olamepics
Here we are, my little rosebuds, 2024 and the olamepic games are on the horizon: several weeks of overblown piffle. Our favourite Internet sites will be clogged with ads and propaganda demanding that we watch the nonsense, and we'll be unable to watch the news on TV without it all being thrust into our faces. As if it has any importance, just like any other sport.
We must stand firm. The sport media want to be able to claim that a huge percentage of homes all over the world are watching the olamepics. In fact they are desperate to justify their vain existence so perhaps they even lie about viewing figures? Anyway, for those of us who despise sports, the important thing ought to be that the sports media will NOT be counting our homes. They will jump up and down and wave their little hands at us, "Coo-ee, watch this, it's great, no really," but we will watch another channel, or perhaps a DVD. It warmed the cockles of my heart to see all the empty seats in 2020 (because of lockdown). It would satisfy me greatly to hear that viewers stayed away in droves from these olamepics, also.
Together, we can make a difference, we can shove a pole between their spokes, we can leave them with egg on their faces. Boycott the olamepics; you know it makes sense.
Stephen
6 February 2024
Subject: Next week
Less than a week until "THE BIG GAME". Has everybody picked out a good movie yet?
Frank
